Last night was a pretty lacklustre shift sandwiched between two highlights. Starting late I caught a great radio program by ABC presenter James Valentine. Being a well regarded satirist Valentine proposed an appropiate topic for listeners called ‘Mens Rules’. These are an incontrovertible set of everyday rules practised by men, only understood by men.
It was as funny as buggery (if that’s funny) with listeners nominating their particular male standards. By the end of the show Valentine had compiled over fifty ‘Mens Rules’. I called mine in early, submitting under the pseudonym, ‘Bloke 1',
Where a woman driver fastens her seat-belt before driving off, a bloke always drives off first, then struggles with his seat belt.
Needless to say it was immediately understood and accepted as a bloke's fact of life. Valentine indicated he would list the nominated ‘Mens Rules’ on the ABC website but alas, it’s not to be found. So I’ll list the some of the rules submitted (feel free to lodge your own in Comments),
- women are never allowed in the shed, period
- only one household job can be undertaken at any one time
- that job must be meticulously planned before materials are purchased, which are then left laying around for a certain length of time. This period can only be estimated by men
- never consult the manual until the job is considered complete
- when in doubt, bash it out
- never ever open a mates beer, especially twist tops
- a bloke must never question the brand of beer given, but can question its temperature
- never give advice to a mate attempting to reverse a caravan or trailer, unless privacy is assured
- the default position for all toilet seats is 'up', obviously
- whilst standing at the urinal never look down
- the only farting permitted at the urinal is of the staccato type, short and to the point
- when a scrum collapses in a rugby game, the forwards must never make eye contact whilst regrouping
- the household TV remote control is always managed by men - unless it’s lost, thereby becoming the woman’s responsibility
- blokes are more qualified than any umpire/referee/match official when watching sport
- blokes never open anything with scissors but rather rip, slash or burn things apart
- blokes don’t wrap presents
Around 2am towards the end of the shift I arrived at the Opera House to find the New Years Eve icon on the Harbour Bridge undergoing testing. This years symbol is a red heart surrounding a multitude of flashing lights, disco style. No doubt about our City Council, they’re still persisting with last years disco theme and I read complimenting techno music has been prepared and mixed by a DJ. Still, it looked reasonably impressive.