My Worst Fare

A reader and ex-cabbie, Rudy, has informed me of a competition being run by the Sydney Morning Herald's Stay in Touch column. In the media's Christmas tradition of cabbie bashing they've decided it would be fun challenging readers to submit tales of their worst taxi experience,

What is your worst, or best, experience in a Sydney taxi ? Keep it short and true. Hire cars don't count (you people have no right to complain).

In the same spirit, I've considered Rudy's suggestion of submitting a tale on my worst fare, which happened last year. Originally I'd posted it but later pulled it after deciding it needed revising, which I've now done. However, as it's too long for the Herald's contest  I'll post it here...

At midnight I latched onto a private party at Fox Studios, held in one of the bars. Other waiting cabbies reckoned there was only about 50 people left, but the noise they made indicated 500. With a karioke machine at full blast, a gravelly-voiced woman ordered various guests to perform with each new song. To the waiting drivers bemusement, the performers screeched out of tune - WE-ARE-FAM-MILY... It was obvious the booze was in oversupply.

At 12.30 am a thirty-something woman hopped in the back, while the rest of the guests took a charter bus to an after-party in the City. ‘Annandale’, she ordered. Once out of Fox Studios, I selected a soft music station which she immediately rejected, ‘No music !’. I turned it down, ‘Excuse me...?’ ‘ No music, turn it off !’. ‘Fair enough’, I responded and turned it off. Little did I realise how drunk she was.

Five minutes later she yelled, ‘Pull over !’. Startled, I hit the brakes, Sorry...?’. ‘You don’t want me to throw-up in the cab do you ?!’, she barked. Immediately I pulled into the kerb, ‘No worries lady, hop out, take your time’, I implored. But no, she just opened the back door, leant right out and commenced spewing into the gutter. Charming. At least she's clearing the cab, I thought. After a couple of minutes of excruciating sound effects, she said, ‘ Sorry, okay’. As we pulled away I asked, 'You okay mate ?’. She said nothing, for the rest of the journey.

At the end she produced a taxi voucher and requested a pen. Totally embarrassed, I elected not to look back at her as the transaction was completed. ‘Thanks’, she said and hopped out. I turned around and checked the back. God Almighty ! There was a puddle of multi-coloured vomit on the floor with a bunch of wet tissues, the size of a tennis ball. No wonder she had the window fully open. Additionally there was two large stains on the fabric seat-cover. From its location, it appeared she’d also lost control of her bladder.

I jumped straight out as she stopped by the front door of her unit block, vomiting clear fluid into an adjoining garden bed. By now I’d lost any sympathy for her, ‘Lady, you spewed in my cab !?’. ‘What’, she turned toward me, vomit dripping from her mouth. ‘You never told me you spewed in the cab !!’. She walked back to check, ‘It’s only a spot on the seat’. ‘Bullshit, it's all over the floor !! You’ve just killed my shift. No one’s gonna ride in a cab smelling of vomit. You’ve got to pay the clean-up fee - it’s $38...’. It was pointless mentioning two hours of lost wages, nor the ongoing stench for the next driver and passengers.

‘Just put it on the docket !’ she snapped, and turned away. She didn’t care, she wasn’t paying. But I made her wait and initial the ammendment. I was really angry at her total deception and abrogation of responsibility. She obviously thought cabbies weren’t human, just pieces of shit. The same attitude which compels Redfern kids to stone passing cabs. The same attitude which has the authorities ignore our pleas for protection.

While she fumbled at the front door I looked at the disaster zone she’d left behind. ‘Lady, you’ve got no class !’, I called. She turned and stumbled back, fuming, ‘I’m taking your number !’. ‘Doesn’t matter’, I snapped, ‘it’s on the docket’. As I hopped back in the cab she lifted her boot and smashed it into the rear of the cab. I got out thinking she had kicked-in the tail light, but couldn’t find any damage. ‘Like I said lady, you’ve got no class’.

Revolted by the overpowering stench, angry and disgusted with her, I drove to a cab-wash and showed the proprietor. ‘Pull all the mats out', he said. 'Get rid of the seat cover and pull the seat apart, to reach the loose bits’. Think Pulp Fiction and Mr Wolf. But first I had to deal with the sloshing, chunky puddle. I gagged and closed my eyes, but not having gloves I had to look anyway, as I slopped it up.

Right then at 2 am I hated myself and I hated cheating drunks. I hated those who consider cabbies are without honour or less than human. I wanted to walk into her office and vomit all over her chair and work-station.

Then she could spend an unpaid hour on her knees, scrubbing, dry-retching, locating bits of mushroom and fruit. She would also feel the greasy fingers, which I could still feel after washing, 3 hours later. For that’s what she'd done to me. My worst fare.

Comments

[theories]

Yeah, prety common though isn't it? When I was driving for RSL in the late sixties I had a woman do the same but leaving a mess of juicy excrement with the vomit. It was one of the worst moments of my life.

[Yobbo]

If it wasn't for drunks you wouldn't have a job.

[SezaGeoff]

Wasn't one of the worst, but it was the most memorable Christmas fares I had while at Uni...
I picked up a guy about 6pm on Christmas Eve outside the Botanical Hotel in South Yarra. He was wearing a pair of shorts and boots - nothing else. Where to, Mate? "Northcote"
No problems, Punt Rd, Hoddle St, High St... Meanwhile, the guy has gone to sleep. When I got to High St, I gave him a nudge. "Where do you want to go?" "I wanna go home" "Where's home?" "Northcote" Hmmm - a few more rounds of this, and he goes deep asleep. I give up, and head for the Northcote cop shop. I leave him in the cab, and tell the coppers my problem. "He hasn't been drinking, has he?" "Aw, maybe". "Don't worry, we'll sort it" An enormous desk sergeant came out and opened the passenger door, catching the fare as he fell out. He was suddenly very awake, as the copper explained that I needed his address. He barked it out, I thanked the cop, who went inside smiling, and headed to his home. "Sorry I had to do that to you, but I couldn't wake you up". "Oh that's alright....What time is it?" "It's 7 o'clock" In panic, he said "In the morning!?!" "No, nightime" "Thank God", he said as he slumped back. Got to his house, above a shop, and as expected, he had no money and asked if he could go up and get some. So I waited, and waited, thinking I had been stood up, but then a woman came down. "How much does he owe you?" I told her, and she paid, with a small tip. I asked where the bloke was, and she replied "Stupid bastard fell down the stairs!"
Despite the small tip, it was worth it for the entertainment!

[Aurelius]

Yobbo, you're a fuckwit. With as much class and wit as Adrian's stupid passenger.
As for my worst fare Adrian, for 20kms, I thought he was just hanging his head out the back window for fresh air (since I knew he was plastered) but he managed to puke bright purple down in the gap where the window goes. So you wind the window up, clean it, wind it down, it gets dirty again. We had to take the door apart to solve it.
As for how someone pukes bright purple, I have no idea.

[Huggies]

Most cabbies are good but you get some who are shockers. The worse one I came across thought it was ok to smoke in the servo.

[adrian]

SezaGeoff, good story, of the type I can vouch for.

Yobbo, whilst drunks are plentiful and unavoidable, they are also entitled to use the window. As I've said many times, in the cab game throwing up out the window is true class.

Aurelius, I've also experienced bright purple puke. Think it's the result of red wine being stain-dried on white duco.

Often drivers don't know when passengers have discreetly puked out the window during transit. Until one stops to gas-up and finds wind-dried vomit sprayed from window to bumper. Covering the gas cap.

[Yobbo]

"Yobbo, whilst drunks are plentiful and unavoidable, they are also entitled to use the window. As I've said many times, in the cab game throwing up out the window is true class."

I know what you mean Adrian. I personally don't know anyone who'd throw up inside a cab deliberately. But if you pick up people who are so pissed they can't even form sentences you should be prepared for the worst IMO.

I have personally been ignored by countless cab drivers despite throwing up only twice as a result of drinking since my teenage years. (Neither was in a cab, but one was on the Subway in Manhattan. How's that for class?)

They always seem much more keen to pick up the 45kg girls who are hailing them rather than the 110kg males. I wonder which passengers vomit more often?

So in reality I have very little sympathy, especially when the cab ride home is half a day's wages for your typical young person.

The entire Australian taxi industry is a government extortion racket anyway.

The government lowers the legal BAC levels so low that you can't even have a quiet drink and drive home, and at the same time forbids anyone to run a taxi service without a $300,000 licence and creates artificial shortages and artificially inflated prices.

As a result Australia has both the lowest legal BAC limits in the world, the most regulated taxi industry and the highest prices in the world. And you also want tips, in a country where no other service employees receive tips?

US taxi drivers receive tips, but not only is tipping standard in that country, but the price of a taxi ride is about 1/3 of the price per kilometre there as it is in Australia. Even taking tips into account, it's less than half the price.

Journos have every right to complain about the shortage of cabs at Christmas and other holiday periods. There are thousands of unemployed and underemployed people who could fill the shortage with private vehicles at a moment's notice, but government legislation prevents them from offering the service.

[Sho]

Couldn't agree more Yobbo.

Good taxi drivers are few and far between. I've caught them from the city (Central) to sydney airport countless times, and depending on how foreign they think my accent is or how much luggage i'm carrying, the cabbies display an amazing inventiveness in trying to rip me off - if they think i'm a local they go the short way, but if not they'll laboriously drive all the way round to the ED and add $5 and 10 minutes to their fare. One I had even went all the way around the international airport to get me to domestic, claiming it was a "short cut". Yeah, real honest.

And don't get me started on trying to charge little extras. Like charging me for travelling northbound on the bridge (of course he then charges again on the way back). I could understand it at 3 in the morning maybe, but this was more like 8pm .. plenty of customers around. And they'll hit the add buttons the instant you arrive so you don't even have a chance to look at the fare before they add them. Whenever I am paying attention it's just $3 for the bridge or whatever, but take your eyes away for a second and all of a sudden it's around $10 in "extras" and your taxi ride from city to Chatswood costs you $48.

Of course I've met a great deal of really nice taxi drivers, I'm just listing some reasons people have hostility towards the sector in general. On the whole I have a positive attitude, maybe because I catch them so often I have a balanced picture. But if someone doesn't catch them often, and then just has a few bad experiences in a row, and those experiences are far from uncommon, then it's not surprising they harbour hostility.

Oh and one more thing. Taxi sharing from Sydney Airport. A lady got out 500m down from my destination (pyrmont), was charged seemingly the full amount, don't remember it exactly. I get out a minute later, and am asked for the full amount again! One journey, paid twice! I was expecting 50% each. Since then I've refused to share cabs.

Anyway, that's enough rambling for one comment ...

[Sho]

By the way, Yobbo, Australia does not have the lowest legal BAC in the world. I don't know about other countries, but in my other home country of Japan it's 0.0%. In other words, zero tolerance. You drink anything, you don't drive, full stop. Makes 0.05% seem quite generous, doesn't it?

[RebeccaH]

My last experience with a cabbie was in Canada five years ago. He was the nicest man, and we had a very nice conversation on the way from Halifax to the airport. I've only had one bad experience, and that was on St. Martin, when the cabbie abandoned us at the nudie beach.

[Dan Lew]

Sho,

Doesn't that mean that one swig of post-sushi mouthwash and you are gone?

[Mike]

Haven't really had a worst experience cabbie experience (never been a cabbie myself - got as far as the introduction is all) - except in terms of shocking drivers - which seems to be all too frequent - like one guy recently that used the lane markers to tell him when he needed to turn the wheel - hence a long sweeper would consist of a series of straight lines broken up by the vibration of hitting the drunk bumps (which for him were sober bumps ... I assume). Frightening to see such poor driving ability in anyone let alone a professional.

Had a couple of funny ones - a cabbie in Vic, around the time Kennet was talking about cleaning up their act, literally required his act to be cleaned up. His passenger well was about 6 inches deep in discarded fast food containers, plus the dash and the wells in the back seat. Went to put my bag in the boot and the flat spare tyre was sitting on a similar amount of rubbish in the boot which had to be pushed out of the way to fit in our luggage. Being a bit of a slob myself it didn't worry me but someone more fastifious would've freaked. Perhaps he did it as a protest at Kennett - or he was binaphobic.

And another was the shortest taxi ride - got in the cab on one side of the kingsford nineways (outside the whitehorse). Got as far as the anzac pde intersection (about 20m) and a car flew out onto the intersection and slammed into the cab. We should've touched wood when we were saying "how lucky was that" - having a cab right there when we walked out of the pub.

cheers.

[Mike]

Haven't really had a worst experience cabbie experience (never been a cabbie myself - got as far as the introduction is all) - except in terms of shocking drivers - which seems to be all too frequent - like one guy recently that used the lane markers to tell him when he needed to turn the wheel - hence a long sweeper would consist of a series of straight lines broken up by the vibration of hitting the drunk bumps (which for him were sober bumps ... I assume). Frightening to see such poor driving ability in anyone let alone a professional.

Had a couple of funny ones - a cabbie in Vic, around the time Kennet was talking about cleaning up their act, literally required his act to be cleaned up. His passenger well was about 6 inches deep in discarded fast food containers, plus the dash and the wells in the back seat. Went to put my bag in the boot and the flat spare tyre was sitting on a similar amount of rubbish in the boot which had to be pushed out of the way to fit in our luggage. Being a bit of a slob myself it didn't worry me but someone more fastifious would've freaked. Perhaps he did it as a protest at Kennett - or he was binaphobic.

And another was the shortest taxi ride - got in the cab on one side of the kingsford nineways (outside the whitehorse). Got as far as the anzac pde intersection (about 20m) and a car flew out onto the intersection and slammed into the cab. We should've touched wood when we were saying "how lucky was that" - having a cab right there when we walked out of the pub.

cheers.

[eel]

When I was a young college student driving nights some years back, I met plenty of princes like you jetsetting around the world and kicking up a big stink(Screaming shrill accusations of RIP OFF!) over a 50cent(at the time) Harbour Bridge Toll add on.
Thanks for the tip Buddy!

[adrian]

A couple of commentors have lamented the Harbour Bridge toll. This is mandatory for trips either way.

Also there is provision for multiple hiring, which stipulates each party pays 75% of the metered fare at their destination. Multiple hiring can only be applied if the original hiring passenger agrees.

More here on fares and conditions.

[Timbo]

Aurelius, regarding the bright purple: there used to be a toxic tipple known as "Blackberry Nip" marketed squarely at the younger market with a very catchy jingle.

Before I was officially old enough to pull on my drinking boots my friends and I used to get a mate to buy it for us, and I'll never forget the splashes of colour we all too frequently left behind. After we'd sufficiently recovered we'd mournfully sing along to the radio jingle with the words "Baked Beans and Blood"!

[Lee]

I've never had a bad experience with a cab driver. And I think you're a bit out of line, Yobbo with your first comment, which is often the case.

I had some yobbos come onto my island (not Hinchinbrook Island...another I lived on alone and mananged)...they arrived around 10.00pm on the Easter Sunday night. I had no idea where they'd come from at that hour of the night but they were tanked to the gills. They must have been camping on another uninhabited island nearby. They arrived in a small tinnie. They wanted food. I told them the food was finished for the night. They ranted on for a bit. I ended up heating up a couple of pies for them and told them, "If I see these again, you guys will be cleaning up your own messes!" Of course, as I expected, I did see the pies again, mingled with whatever else they'd imbibed...I'd warned them and I made them clean up their mess. There was no way I was going to clean up after the clowns. I then told them to get off the island as they weren't welcome. They mumbled, cursed and tried to be 'big men' for a short time, but fortunately, I've got a quick wit and an even more sharper tongue when needed...they left like little lambs to the slaughter. As they headed out to the channel (safe from shore) they started yelling abuse, but I could have cared less. There were a couple of trawlers anchored out in the channel. I was just hoping they would wake one particular skipper up! A few shotgun blasts at them would have sobered them up pretty quickly! ;)

[Lee]

"managed"...typo...whoops! ;)

[Lee]

Whoopee! Bollywood comes to town! ;)